Twilight Review

As if I need to review this book. However, since I decided to review all the books for my Materials for Young Adults class, what better place to start than literary crack? You know it's horrible, but you just can't stop reading it. Anyway, it's a classic boy meets girl story.... on GHB.

Long story short (and I mean long story—it clocks in at a whopping 498 pages) girl makes the self-sacrificing decision to move in with her father she doesn't really know so her immature mother can galavant around the states with her baseball player boytoy. Girl is miserable and clumsy and ordinary and boring and clumsy and ordinary and thinks no boy can possibly love her because of how ordinary and clumsy she is, even though everything in her new school with a penis wants on her. Meanwhile, boy and his family are pompous and have nothing to do with the rest of the student body. Nothing, that is, until girl moves into town. Two-hundred pages later, boy and girl get together even though boy wants to eat her. Promptly get your minds out of the gutter because he wants to drink her blood, not do anything kinky. Please people, he is mormon. As it turns out, boy is not a boy but a vegetarian vampire (which is an absurd description, since they drink animal blood...Stephanie Meyer needs to look up what vegetarian means in her dictionary). After a ridiculous courting stage where boy insults girl, girl decides she can't live without him and then boy reveals he was only pushing her away for her own benefit since he wants to kill her. They start dating and he introduces her to the fam. Wholesome times ensue, as they all hang out and play baseball. But vampire baseball is not any ole baseball, because it requires a thunderstorm to conceal the boisterous ball crack that comes from having superhuman strength. Other vampires hear the noise and want to play. These vampires aren't like the boy's family because they suck human blood and they want girl's blood like woah. Clearly boy isn't having this and he ships her off to her hometown in Arizona because one of the vampires is a “tracker.” Stalker vampire isn't thwarted and manages to get her alone and starts to eat her, but is killed by boy's family. Boy has to suck her blood anyway because she is starting to turn into a vampire from the venom stalker vampire injects. They go to prom and everyone is happy, except girl because she hates proms because she is clumsy and ordinary and spend the whole time pouting because boy won't turn her into a vampire. The end.

And that is Twilight. See, we didn't need all 498 pages after all!

First line of the book:

“My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down.”